20. Cigarettes And Alcohol And Rollerblading (S02 E08)
After receiving a call from Father Dick Byrne who lies to Ted about committing to Lent, Ted decides he is going to give up cigarettes for a month and insists Father Jack gives up the booze and Dougal has to give up his new addiction of rollerblading. To aid themselves along the way they hire Sister Assumpta (Rosemary Henderson) to keep them in check. Little do they know the brutality they have in store from Assumpta’s ten-step-program of ridding oneself of their sins. Will they see it through?
19. Tentacles Of Doom (S02 E03)
Whilst Ted is trying to fix the plumbing that is firing out of a man hole at the end of the drive, he learns that the nearby Holy Stone of Clonrichert is being upgraded to a “class two relic.” Three bishops are going to be sent to Craggy Island to perform a ceremony so Ted needs to make sure everyone is on their best behaviour; this includes teaching Jack to say more than “feck, arse, drink and girls” and Dougal to stop spreading doubts about religion. Let’s just say those bishops will never experience anything like Craggy Island again.
18. And God Created Woman (S01 E05)
Ted meets novelist Polly Clarke (Gemma Craven) at a book signing of her latest novel and the two chat about books and the priesthood which Polly admires. Hilariously Polly has misheard Ted’s name and written in the book ‘Ted Curley’ which will continue to be a joke throughout the episode. Infatuated, Ted accidentally bumps into Polly multiple times on his way home including his own house where she is staying. Ted has his doubts about keeping his religion as he tries to impress Polly, unfortunately for him Polly might have different intentions with priests.
17. Entertaining Father Stone (S01 E02)
Father Stone might just be the most boring and awkward priest you’ve ever seen and he certainly bores the life out of Ted and Dougal. Whilst he is there for his holiday (which Ted and Dougal have tried hard to prevent), there is a lack of conversation and activities until ever so frustrated and praying to God, Ted desires that Father Stone to leave. Ted escapes from the house in a torrential downpour to play mini golf, but Father Stone shows up anyway and in a bout of desperate encouragement, Ted encourages Stone to play mini golf. Who knew golf clubs and lightning didn’t mix aye?
16. Think Fast, Father Ted (S02 E02)
The parochial house’s roof has a leak so Ted decides to hold a raffle. After calling Bishop Brennan for a prize, he manages to secure a blue Rover 213. After retrieving the car, Dougal notices a small dent on the bonnet to which Ted decides he will fix. Ted’s ‘fixing’ results in destroying the exterior of a car. With no prize (the car is worth £7000), Ted remembers Father Finnegan, ‘the dancing priest’, has the exact same car and never uses it. Securing the car, Ted decides they have to rig the raffle to be able to return the car. The third act leaves for hilarious accidents, thievery and cheating, as well as one of my favourite characters, Father Austin Purcell.
15. The Plague (S02 E06)
Dougal gets a pet rabbit which he names ‘Sampras’ after Pete Sampras because of the supposed connection tennis and rabbits. At the same time, Father Jack has been sleepwalking naked at night and scaring people. The incident requires a visit from Bishop Brennan who is terribly afraid of rabbits due to an incident in the past where he was stuck in a lift with around 20 of them. Unfortunately for Ted and Dougal, Jack’s sleepwalking has attracted and army of rabbits to the house.
14. Night Of The Nearly Dead (S03 E07)
Mrs. Doyle is infatuated with TV presenter Eoin McLove who is basically a Daniel O’Donnell imitation. Her poem wins a competition where McLove will visit the house for tea. There’s a buzz around Craggy Island between all of the women who find out when McLove will be visiting. In a zombie-like frenzy they try to break into the parochial house to get to Eoin and smother him. Eoin himself might not be the cuddly mother’s boy he is perceived as on TV.
13. Escape From Victory (S03 E05)
It’s the annual priests over-75 football match between Craggy Island and Rugged Island. Ted is stressed out and believes Father Dick Byrne is spying on him for his tactics (which he is). One crisis after another leads Ted in a tricky situation about his line-up which includes Father Jack out cold from drinking a full bottle of ‘Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy Snooze’. A little bit of cheating might have to be involved to avoid being given a forfeit, however, do cheaters ever prosper?
12. Flight Into Terror (S02 E10)
Ted, Dougal and many others priests are flying back home on a plane which starts off with Ted and Dougal showing each other the gifts they have purchased on their trip. Dougal has a dog toy phone and some sticky tape which tells you how much you’ve used when you pull it off. Ted becomes the brunt of many hilarious jokes such as nicknames and items thrown at him, as well as embarrassing himself at a blind man. Dougal is invited to the cockpit with Father Noel Furlong (Graham Norton) and lets just that button you do not press in the cockpit might not have the same impression on Dougal. It is time for Ted to save the day like he never has before.
11. Kicking Bishop Brennan Up The Arse (S03 E06)
After cheating in the football match and losing a bet with Father Dick Byrne, Ted has to do his forfeit which is to kick Bishop Brennan up the arse. Bemused and fearing what has to take place, Ted tries to come up with many ways of initiating the kicking. In his hopes of not being killed or banished by Brennan, Ted has to go through with the forfeit and hopes Brennan won’t notice.